UPDATE: Wife(F33) and I (M34) decided to try for kids last year. Found out I’m completely infertile without surgery. 5 months later she got pregnant.

Orginal: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/c13s1w/wifef33_and_i_m34_decided_to_try_for_kids_last/

**TL;DR:** Wife and I tried having a baby. My balls are blocked, surgery is in July. Wife got pregnant anyways. It seems ridiculous to think she cheated, but I was told I shouldn’t be able to be fertile until the surgery. Wife is celebrating, I can’t stop thinking about small occurrences and what if she’s cheating. Seeing Doctor on Monday to see if it could be mine.

Update **TL;DR** at bottom

First I just want to thank everyone who reached out and offered their story about similar. I can’t believe how many people are told they’re completely sterile and end up being able to have kids anyways.

I took a lot of what you guys said to heart. I had an ex of mine from years ago end up cheating on me, and it really left a scar for a while. It wasn’t until I got more involved with sports and getting in better shape that I was able to try and move on. My wife and I actually met in a soccer league we were in together. We’ve had so much trust for so long that I thought those fears had gone away. It wasn’t until now that I really started to feel shaken like that again.

But I didn’t want to let my past get in the way of what could be just a huge blessing. A few people really articulated the right way to communicate my feelings in a way that wasn’t accusatory and respectful of my wife, who’s never really given me a reason to doubt her.

It’s not uncommon for her to sometimes be home late, and she’ll usually like to go straight to bed. I didn’t want to dump this on her immediately and decided to give myself a night to sleep on it. I got up pretty early just being restless, went for a run, and cleared my mind. I couldn’t wait any longer. I made our favorite omelets, and told her I needed to talk about something.

“You know I’m not Ashley, right?”

She knows me well. Ashley’s my ex who cheated.

So first I apologized. I apologized because I let this build up in my head for so long without talking with her about it sooner. What should be blessing has been nothing but insecurity and fear for me.

We talked for a while. I told her how happy it made me to see her ecstatic and excited for the baby. I told her how much I loved the relationship that we’ve built together, and I felt like an asshole for questioning her loyalty. She had never given me a reason not to trust her and that I still couldn’t emotionally get over the thoughts of infidelity because of my ex. She thanked me for telling her, and she knew how hard it was for me to get over that. She volunteered to have us get a paternity right when he/she’s born, which made me feel a lot better at first.

But something still felt off. I honestly don’t know why, something about how she was so eager to get a paternity test, and almost not mad at me at all for having kept this from her. Normally she would have been upset that I didn’t bring it up right away, but there was just a weird feeling I couldn’t shake for the rest of the day.

It seemed like she was saying all the right things, but I couldn’t get rid of this clawing feeling inside my head. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Maybe there’s a gut feeling that I need to listen to. But I ended up going to the appointment alone, as we “decided” it would good to see if I still needed the surgery.

Turns out it’s obstructive azoospermia. I’ve read so many stories about people who were supposed to infertile end up getting pregnant. So I brought that up, and how my wife’s pregnancy was affecting me. The urologist thought it would be pretty unlikely that I wouldn’t need surgery to have a kid with how mine was presenting itself. He mainly tried to skirt around the topic, and mostly pushed me towards making sure she was actually pregnant.

Being there didn’t really help. I feel like I just got more uncertainty.

She had another night being out to 8:30 last night. We talked about scheduling an appointment to verify the pregnancy when she got home. She seemed a little confused, but then quickly agreed. She promised to do it in the morning. I asked how work had gone, and she gave me a kind of non-commital answer about her boss pushing her too much and being stressed out.

There’s nothing huge there, but she just seemed off. I really couldn’t put my finger on it. We were still acting all lovely-dovey, but something just felt wrong, and I couldn’t talk about it without repeating the same conversation we had Sunday.

I’ve been trying to throw myself into work to distract myself, but I haven’t been able to focus. We have a joint checking account that we’ll sometimes move money in and out of, but really only use it for groceries or household items unless we talk about it beforehand. This morning she moved half of it to hers, about $1700. We don’t do that, she’s never needed to before. And I checked our health care portal, and she made the appointment for the one time Thursday that I mentioned I was busy working on-site. We were supposed to go together.

I’m starting to go crazy. How do I bring this up that isn’t me just having the same conversation again? I’m looking into getting a second opinion for myself. But I need a litmus test from objective outsiders to know if I’m really losing it or if this seems weird to someone else.

**TL;DR Had good conversation about my ex-cheating before and those issues, something still felt off. Urologist said I had obstructive azoospermia, implied I should “make sure my wife is pregnant” and didn’t think I could be fertile. Wife is taking money from joint account and booked her doctor appointment when I can’t go. Getting a second Urology opinion, also slightly going crazy.**

UPDATE: I’ve been trying to center myself. We talked calmly for a bit on the phone. She claimed she moved the money out in anticipation for the deductible payments she’ll have with different visits. I didn’t bring up anything else, but she seemed a little impatient with me, probably rightly so, and implied we’d have a longer talk when she gets home. I’m just trying to not overreact right now. I don’t know what to think, this is either a misunderstanding on my side and Im a Father! Or…not. Thankfully she’s not working late today.

Thank you those who are trying to keep me grounded.

UPDATE: I went for a long run to clear my mind. Gotta shower, and then my wife should be home. I’m going to go into the conversation with no judgement, just objectively walk out the facts and why I’ve still been struggling personally with some of them. Regardless of what happens I’m done with any confusion left between us.

Thanks to those who messaged me and gave advice.



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UPDATE: Wife(F33) and I (M34) decided to try for kids last year. Found out I’m completely infertile without surgery. 5 months later she got pregnant.